Words and Wit from The Washington Post

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
>> to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
>> alternative meanings for common words.
>>
>> The winners are:
>>
>> 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
>>
>> 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
>>
>> 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
>>
>> 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
>>
>> 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
>>
>> 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
>> absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
>>
>> 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
>>
>> 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
>>
>> 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
>> run over by a steamroller.
>>
>> 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
>>
>> 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
>>
>> 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
>> proctologists.
>>
>> 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
>>
>> 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
>> Yiddishisms.
>>
>> 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
>> when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
>>
>> 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
>> Jewish men.
>>
>> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
>> any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
>> changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
>>
>> Here are this year's winners:
>>
>> 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
>> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
>> little sign of breaking down in the near future.
>>
>> 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
>> of getting laid.
>>
>> 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
>> subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>>
>> 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>>
>> 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
>> person who doesn't get it.
>>
>> 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
>> late.
>>
>> 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
>>
>> 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
>> credit.)
>>
>> 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
>> really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
>> like, a serious bummer.
>>
>> 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>> consuming only things that are good for you.
>>
>> 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
>>
>> 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
>> when they come at you rapidly.
>>
>> 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
>> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
>>
>> 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
>> your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>>
>> 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
>> the fruit you're eating.
>>
>> And the pick of the literature:
>>
>> 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3 Tough Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and
replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I
can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The two then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

The Chili Contest

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event...
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_____________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

The Hokey Pokey - Shakespeare Style

The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that
asks readers to submit "instructions" for something (anything), but
written in the style of a famous person.

The winning entry was The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare).

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

-- by William Shakespeare
(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)