Circus Love by Paul Gilmartin

I make no claim to the following. It’s a poem by comedian Paul Gilmartin. I heard it again on the Bob and Tom show recently and it cracked me up, so I thought I’d share it with you. If you enjoy it, check out the Bob and Tom site or Paul Gilmartin’s site for more humor just like it…

“Last call,” announced the barkeep
and then their eyes did meet.
Betty the Bearded Lady
and Tom the Four-inch Freak.
Tom lowered his voice and made a pass,
“What’re you doin’ later?”
Betty thought as she stroked her beard,
“Nothin’ sweet potater.”
People pointed, jokes were made,
but it fell on four deaf ears.
Tom thrust his tiny shoulders back,
and ignored the painful jeers.
“Betty,” he said, “The world can be
such a cruel, unfeeling place.”
She said, “I know my little punkin’,”
and kissed his tiny face.
She carried him through the parking lot,
to the woods that lay beyond.
Never before had either felt
such an instant common bond.
“Betty,” he said, gazing down at his tiny platform shoe,
“Tonight I would like nothing more
than to make sweet love to you.”
She said, “I’m a virgin.”
He said, “So am I.”
She said, “Don’t you think that’s weird?”
He said, “Not really, I’m four inches tall
and, you know, you’ve got the beard.”
She pressed him tight against her bosom,
he inhaled her perfumed air.
He covered her neck with tiny hickies,
and stroked her facial hair.
The moonlight danced off his cowboy hat,
she giggled and she swayed.
She undid his tiny rhinestone belt.
A cricket looked away.
She set him down, unzipped her dress,
still tipsy from the booze.
She tripped pulling off her panties,
and crushed him with her shoes.
Bearded Betty never married.
Her mistake sure took its toll.
She still owns that pair of shoes,
and Tom’s still in her sole.


Blogger's Note: The picture above is what I think Betty and Tom's kid would have looked like...

Making Relationships Last - Just ask the Kids!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10

Why Are Men Dogs? - Snakes are the Problem, not the Dogs

The question women ask is...

"Why is it that men are such dogs? They only want to have sex, watch sports and drink beer, and god forbid we ask for anything in return! I am not even looking for a relationship or anything, but couldn’t they at least introduce themselves before trying to bed me?"

I am confused. You see, you asked why men are dogs. You see, dogs are loyal and devoted. MEN are loyal, upstanding and devoted. GUYS on the other hand....that is a whole other kettle of fish....or, to be more accurate, pit of snakes. Guys are more like snakes, not dogs. Guys are not men, and that is the mistake that keeps getting made. They may have similar body parts, and such, but guys are not the loyal, loving, nurturing types that women seek, but they are usually the ones that women find.

The reason for this is that MEN are usually spending a nice evening with their lady (and they DO treat her like a lady), or spending quality time with their kids. They can rarely be found in bars and clubs, and if they are, they aren't tom-catting around looking for a quick peice of tail. They go home at a reasonable hour on week-nights, they remember birthdays and acknowledge them. They can keep a job for more than 3 months... they save for the future, they aren't afraid to show affection, but know that slipping their hand up your dress in public is not necessary, nor proper, and proves nothing positive about themselves.

I understand where your frustration is coming from ladies. I've had to rid myself of more than a hound or two in my time. But you must understand, when it comes to the "guys" we are talking about a species that wants to have sex BECAUSE they have a headache, or are nauseated, or are sleeping, or they are awake, or have been set on fire. They were made this way in order for the species to flourish, and "guys" have no idea that their impulses need to be controled.

Women, on the other hand, are designed to keep the rutting males from over-populating the planet, and we are generally comfortable with the idea of mating for life. This is not a bad thing. It’s a matter of balance. In this way, men and women complete each other.

As for guys not bothering to introduce themselves, take it as a compliment... you almost have to when you consider the source. They are looking for someone to mate with in the basic animal kingdom sense of the word. They hump, they leave, they don't expect to be caught up in the process of raising young ones, much less paying for them. It's a very base instinct. the good news is that some will eventually out-grow this, and grow up to become MEN.

Many guys have this fantasy of sleeping with a mysterious, beautiful woman who will “rock their world” and then, in the morning, she has disappeared in a cloud of mystery, asking for nothing in return. What guys fail to understand is that this is the stuff of which Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are all made.

If a guy approaches you with these fantasies in mind, tell them that they have mistaken you for the Orgasm Fairy, and that they can find her in their dreams. To make sure they understand, pat them on their head (the one on their shoulders, otherwise you will completely confuse them) and speak to them in a very “pre-school teacher” voice and say only these four words…"Run along, little boy." If he is cute and has some sort of possible potential, you may add " When you are all grown up into manhood, try again".
In conclusion, MEN are dogs only in the best sense of the word. GUYS are snakes, and if you choose to keep one as a pet (so to speak) you should expect to the behaviors that come naturally to their species...and often, if you back them into a corner or make them feel trapped (even if it is just their misperception), expect them to either run away or to strike out at you in some fashion that you probably won't like. I have learned to be grateful for the ones who flee. They weren't right for me anyway...and they do less damage than the ones who strike. No woman should take a GUY too seriously.

A word of warning: IF YOU KNOW THAT HE IS A GUY, DO NOT MARRY HIM IN HOPES THAT IT WILL MAKE HIM A MAN! IT DOESN'T WORK!