Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady
upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"
--won't admit his name

You Can't Take It Back

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take
> > > the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
> > > testimonials of a few people who did....
> > >
> > > I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
> > > and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
> > > job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My
> > > husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
> > >
> > > I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
> > > I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
> > > for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
> > > gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
> > > Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
> > > with men's balls."
> > >
> > > My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold
> > > a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
> > > the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
> > > "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
> > > hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
> > > To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
> > >
> > > While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
> > > release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
> > > hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
> > > patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"
> > > she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
> > > said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right
> > > now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
> > > night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
> > > Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last
> > > of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
> > > last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of
> > > laughter.
> > >
> > > Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
> > > three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
> > > was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
> > > lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
> > > While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
> > > checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
> > > realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
> > > him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord,
> > > that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with
> > > me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
> > > "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
> > > because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
> > > "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked
> > > down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,
> > > IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their
> > > tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old
> > > couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd
> > > ever had!
> > >
> > > This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
> > > very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
> > > think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't
> > > get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day
> > > after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
> > > weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
> > > last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
> > > did too they were laughing so hard!