Tasers - The Gift That Kept on Giving?

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife...

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

What's Your Excuse?

Real excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Disorder In the American Courts - oldies but goodies

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

For those Who Think They Know Everything...

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50)
years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
**************************************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE
IN VINEGAR !
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to
avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
***************************************************

And the best for last....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So......................
Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...and go move your toothbrush !!!

A Good Plan for Retirement

A WELL-PLANNED RETIREMENT
> From The London Times: May 15, 2009
>
> Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars
and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a
ticket machine charging cars 1 pound (about $1.40) and coaches A5 pounds (about
$7).
>
> This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then,
one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
>
> "Oh well," said Bristol Zoo Management. "We'd better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant."
>
> "Err ... no," said the Council, "that parking lot is your
responsibility."
>
> "Err ... no," said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed
by the City Council, wasn't he?"
>
> "Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
>
> Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had
been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 pounds (about $560) per
day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this
amounts to just over A3.6 million pounds ($7 million)!
>
> And no one even knows his name.
>

Everything U need to Know, Your mom taught you..

Subject: Love thy Mother

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning
"

2.My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you 're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a
tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you

Facts About Your Body... Did You Know...?

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.