Two Ladies in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died..

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

Blonde Joke - Parking on Snowdays

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife were in listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Sneezing... the gift that keeps on giving

A man and a woman were sitting beside each
Other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
Wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few
Minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,

Then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold,
The man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman
Sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
Shaking ever
More than before..

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man
Turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've
Sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then
Shudder violently.

Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very
Rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was
Still curious." I have never heard of that condition before" he said.

"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Gas Station Miracle

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in the car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting."

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.

"On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Dubbya and The Kids

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
> After his talk he offers question time.
> One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
> "Billy."
> "And what is your question, Billy?"
> "I have 3 questions.
>
> First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? "
>
> Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
> they will continue after recess.
> When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right ---
> question time. Who has a question?"
> Another little boy puts up his hand.
> George points him out and asks him what his name is.
> "Steve"
> "And what is your question, Steve?"
>
> "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support
> of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
> Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
> And fifth, what the heck happened to Billy?"

Magician and The Parrot

I heard this one from Ron White...

A magician is working on a cruise ship. Every night during his act the captain of the ship was in the front row with a parrot sitting on his shoulder. On the third night, the parrot starts yelling out all of the solutions to the magician's trick and heckling the magician by squawking "it's up his sleeve" or "his assistant has it" and so on/ the magician irally pissed as the parrot progressively ruins his act each night. On the 7th day of the cruise, the ship sinks. The magician finds himself floating out in the middle of nowhere, on a peice of driftwood. the parrot is sitting on the other end of the wood and the two of them are just looking at each other. Finally, after nearly two days of staring at each other in total silence, the parrot says, "Ok, I give up. what did you do with the boat?"

Blonde Millionaire

A blonde woman, in her mid-thirties, walked into a bank and asked to see the loan manager. She waited for a bit and the manager finally came out of his office and introduced himself and asked "how may I help you?"
The woman explained, as they walked into his office, that she was going on a trip and needed to take out a loan. "I would like to borrow $5000" she told him.
The loan manager thought about it for a moment and then told the woman that they would have to have some collateral. "What do you have that would cover that ammount?" he asked.
"Well," she said, "I have my $45,000 Mercedes-Benz parked outside that I will leave here as collateral."
The bank manager looked out his window and saw the car sitting right outside in the parking lot. "That would be perfectly fine" he said as he started the paperwork.
Fifteen minutes later the blonde walked out of the bank with her loan.
After the woman left, the manager started checking further into the woman and found that woman was actually a multi-millionaire.
One week later, the blonde woman walked back into the bank and asked to see the loan manager again. The manager quickly came to her this time. When they were in the man's office, she payed back the loan plus the $15.00 interest on the loan.
"After you left last week," said the manager, "I did some checking. I found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why did you come to me and ask for such a small ammount of a loan?"
The blonde woman smiled and replied "Well, you see, I was going on a trip as I told you. I went to Las Vegas for the week. And let me ask you, where else could I have parked my car and have it watched over and protected for a week and it only cost me $15.00 for a week?"