British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

International Diet Plans

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.

The Train

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a

French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady and an attractive young

blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the

sound of a kiss and a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red

hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have kissed the blonde in the

dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to kiss me in the

dark, but missed and kissed the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The American must have kissed the blonde in the

dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can kiss

the back of my hand and smack that obnoxious Frenchman again.