By Bobby Gaylor
Just when you think you know me
And I give you credit for being on the ball
Christmas rolls around, I open your gift
And I see, you don't know me at all
So if you don't listen to anything else
That I say all year long
Pay close attention to this
Because it's my real holiday wish…
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)
Stop giving me crap for Christmas
Useless crap
Stop giving me crap for Christmas
Forget the Clapper, I don't need to turn my lights off from bed
I don't want a Chia Dog, a Chia Sheep, a Chia Cow, or a Chia Head
And don't get some movie on video that's been marked down to $3.99
You wouldn't want to watch this piece of junk, why do you think I want to waste my time?
Now here's something that cuts me to the bone:
You order a subscription to Sports Illustrated,
You keep the magazine and give me the stupid football phone.
And I don't need Abs of Steel,
Buns of Steel,
Richard Simmons' Deal-a-Meal
Or absolutely anything made by Ron Popeil
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
I don't need a radar detector, a compass, or a dashboard Jesus
Or my intestines bound up by a box of Hickory Farm Cheeses
I don't need the Showtime Oven that cooks, like, 2 ducks, 12 garlic bulbs, and a turkey
Or a food dehydrator if it dries fruit or beef jerky
And please, no wall-mounted or counter-top spice racks
Or the Ab Roller, Ab Slide, Ab Rocker, Ab Dolly or the Torso Track
No calendars featuring supermodel bimbos or babies in hats
And no Christmas music by the Jingle Dogs or the Jingle Cats
And ask me my size.
I'm tying my shirt so my fingers don't even poke out of the sleeves
And hey, isn't this the fruitcake Uncle Mike gave you last Christmas Eve?
And if you're even remotely thinking about getting me that singing, joke-telling, wall-mounted bass,
Just remember what that rhymes with, because that's where I'm gonna stick it.
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
Alright, listen up.
I don't want anything proceeded by the word "decorative,"
Anything that comes with a stuffed bear or a troll doll that says "I love you."
No electronic devices that, when you push a button, say things like "Hey stupid!" or "Up yours!"
I don't want a pasta maker, a bread maker, a juice maker, a waffle maker, sandwich maker, salad maker, label maker, be a maker, wine maker,
Sausage maker, ice cream maker, pastry maker, salsa maker, coffee maker, sun tea maker
If I want that stuff, I'll buy it
I don't want anything that chops, beats, grinds, purees, minces, or slices
Cubes, shreds, blends, separates, juliennes, or dices
No 2-gallon bottles of generic shampoo "Now with 10% More!"
And nothing advertized with the slogan "Not available in any store!"
You know, they say it's the thought that counts,
So instead of making me cringe every year with what you bought,
Let's call it even forever and stop at the thought.
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)
Forget about the one-pound Hershey Kiss or the big pack of Life Savers,
And no smoked almonds in a dozen obscene artificial flavors,
I don't want a subscription to "Fielder's Dreams," "Sailing," or "Understanding Zen,"
And I stopped wearing pajamas when I was ten
And if you're thinking of anything from an infomercial by Tony Robbins, Body by Jake, Don Debris, Mary Lou Harris, Susanna Summers or Billy Blanks
I got two words for you: "No thanks!"
Here's something not to get me:
A coffee mug with a slogan that says something like,
"Don't talk to him, he hasn't had his coffee yet."
You're an idiot!
Showing posts with label bob and tom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bob and tom. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
100 Things To Remember - By Tim Wilson
I had a crazy uncle that was on his deathbed a long time ago,
he said "BOY... there's a hundred things in life every man needs to know to
survive... and here's 39 of em'"
a virgin don't never drive a z-28
never bet the ranch on your prostate
if it's got an adams apple its probley a man
never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand
she didn't accidently get good in bed
you can't join a church if your already dead
a work uniform ain't totally nude
brim and bass ain't seafood
when theres guns in the house one better be yours
don't be naked next to any fishin' lures
if theres girl scout cookies she's a little too young
if you say I do... be the ugly one
don't ever let a bald man borry your comb
never play strip poker in a nursin' home
don't blame your pall bearers cuz they don't show
if your buried in the middle of the super bowl
let people borry money they'll leave you alone
never fry bacon without a shirt on
never spray water on a hornets nest
a woman rarely aces the drivers test
the sign probly don't really mean massage
never threaten anybody in camoflauge
say you love her til she lays down the butcher knife
never put the move on the bosses wife
she's messin' round on ya if yer briefs don't fit
never trust a hitch-hiker to babysit
Cosmo's never in a happy home
you can't cut a deal with a kidney stone
a politician ain't got an HMO
washin' her hair means she don't wanna go
don't ridicule a biker bout' his tatoo
you been married nine times... hell maybe its you
Doom ain't the same as donkey kong
if he's wearing high heels you mighta raised him wrong
the clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
don't rent a room from a man named Bates
a tank tops never on a billionaire
Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there
how many get to heaven noone knows
but hell will be asses and elbows
and then he died... crazy fool rolled over and DIED! and never did tell me
what them other 61 things were... so if anybody out there knows... how
bout gettin' ahold of me at tim wilson dot net.
he said "BOY... there's a hundred things in life every man needs to know to
survive... and here's 39 of em'"
a virgin don't never drive a z-28
never bet the ranch on your prostate
if it's got an adams apple its probley a man
never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand
she didn't accidently get good in bed
you can't join a church if your already dead
a work uniform ain't totally nude
brim and bass ain't seafood
when theres guns in the house one better be yours
don't be naked next to any fishin' lures
if theres girl scout cookies she's a little too young
if you say I do... be the ugly one
don't ever let a bald man borry your comb
never play strip poker in a nursin' home
don't blame your pall bearers cuz they don't show
if your buried in the middle of the super bowl
let people borry money they'll leave you alone
never fry bacon without a shirt on
never spray water on a hornets nest
a woman rarely aces the drivers test
the sign probly don't really mean massage
never threaten anybody in camoflauge
say you love her til she lays down the butcher knife
never put the move on the bosses wife
she's messin' round on ya if yer briefs don't fit
never trust a hitch-hiker to babysit
Cosmo's never in a happy home
you can't cut a deal with a kidney stone
a politician ain't got an HMO
washin' her hair means she don't wanna go
don't ridicule a biker bout' his tatoo
you been married nine times... hell maybe its you
Doom ain't the same as donkey kong
if he's wearing high heels you mighta raised him wrong
the clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
don't rent a room from a man named Bates
a tank tops never on a billionaire
Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there
how many get to heaven noone knows
but hell will be asses and elbows
and then he died... crazy fool rolled over and DIED! and never did tell me
what them other 61 things were... so if anybody out there knows... how
bout gettin' ahold of me at tim wilson dot net.
Monday, July 13, 2009
First Baptist Bar and Grill by Tim Wilson (lyrics)
Well, the church burned down and no one knew
what Pentecost Baptist was gonna do
the Sunday brimstone got so dadgum hot
it burned up a church bus in the parkin' lot
In a panic the reverend Dr. White
called up an ex-member that hadn't lived right
he owned Joe's beer joint right across the fence
it's the same Joe's he'd preached against...
He said, "I don't really want to be a hypocrite,
but I got a Sunday school class about to have fits.
We're all excited about revival week,
and moved by the spirit, so to speak.
With all the souls we saved and money we spent,
we thought God told us to sell that tent...
I got a famous evangelist supposed to come
and done run out of chairs, will you loan us some?"
Joe says, "Well you can just use the whole dang place...
A-9 on the jukebox is "Amazing Grace"
I ain't supposed to open because of them 'blue laws'
but I'll open tonight if it's alright with y'all."
Preacher said, "Well, I reckon it'd be OK,
the good Lord works in mysterious ways.
I was gonna talk about Joshua, Judges and Ruth
and I reckon I could do it from the DJ booth."
At the First Baptist Bar and Grill
it's the only church in the bible belt
that smells like a whiskey still...
when the sinners finish one more round,
we'll have dinner on the ground,
then go inside and pray we don't get killed.
The evangelist came with a well-dressed choir,
they showed up around happy hour,
looked around the joint and didn't take it real well...
said, "The White ministry has gone to hell"
Ms. Mills that taught youth Sunday school
and two deacons in the back room shootin' pool
were sharin' the Lord with a Jim Beam rep
who was teachin' Ms. Mills some line dance steps...
Reverend White was readin' from the book of Luke
to a tall, drunk trucker about to puke
he had John 3:16 memorized
tryin' to dry him out to get him baptized...
The evangelist yelled about the lights and the beer
said, "White, you can't save any souls in here...
this place ain't nothin' but a den of sin...
ain't the kind of place Baptists ought to be in!"
Preacher said, "Well we don't really need y'all here
You didn't do a very good job last year,
you only saved one sinner, that's Todd McGuire,
the little SOB that set my church on fire!"
"Joe's beer joint has done been revived,
only been here an hour, and I done saved five.
Sure, it's got mirrors and a big dance floor,
but I finally found the flock God called me for."
They're at the First Baptist Bar and Grill
it's the only church in the bible belt that smells like a whisky still not a stained glass window anywhere in site,
just a blood-stained floor and neon lights,
and the communion wine in here is always chilled.
We're here every Sunday; we're livin' large;
We're the only church with a cover charge.
And if you don't like our doctrine and think we ain't devout,
we'll have our bouncer throw your butt out ...
of the First Baptist Bar and Grill
(amen sister!)
what Pentecost Baptist was gonna do
the Sunday brimstone got so dadgum hot
it burned up a church bus in the parkin' lot
In a panic the reverend Dr. White
called up an ex-member that hadn't lived right
he owned Joe's beer joint right across the fence
it's the same Joe's he'd preached against...
He said, "I don't really want to be a hypocrite,
but I got a Sunday school class about to have fits.
We're all excited about revival week,
and moved by the spirit, so to speak.
With all the souls we saved and money we spent,
we thought God told us to sell that tent...
I got a famous evangelist supposed to come
and done run out of chairs, will you loan us some?"
Joe says, "Well you can just use the whole dang place...
A-9 on the jukebox is "Amazing Grace"
I ain't supposed to open because of them 'blue laws'
but I'll open tonight if it's alright with y'all."
Preacher said, "Well, I reckon it'd be OK,
the good Lord works in mysterious ways.
I was gonna talk about Joshua, Judges and Ruth
and I reckon I could do it from the DJ booth."
At the First Baptist Bar and Grill
it's the only church in the bible belt
that smells like a whiskey still...
when the sinners finish one more round,
we'll have dinner on the ground,
then go inside and pray we don't get killed.
The evangelist came with a well-dressed choir,
they showed up around happy hour,
looked around the joint and didn't take it real well...
said, "The White ministry has gone to hell"
Ms. Mills that taught youth Sunday school
and two deacons in the back room shootin' pool
were sharin' the Lord with a Jim Beam rep
who was teachin' Ms. Mills some line dance steps...
Reverend White was readin' from the book of Luke
to a tall, drunk trucker about to puke
he had John 3:16 memorized
tryin' to dry him out to get him baptized...
The evangelist yelled about the lights and the beer
said, "White, you can't save any souls in here...
this place ain't nothin' but a den of sin...
ain't the kind of place Baptists ought to be in!"
Preacher said, "Well we don't really need y'all here
You didn't do a very good job last year,
you only saved one sinner, that's Todd McGuire,
the little SOB that set my church on fire!"
"Joe's beer joint has done been revived,
only been here an hour, and I done saved five.
Sure, it's got mirrors and a big dance floor,
but I finally found the flock God called me for."
They're at the First Baptist Bar and Grill
it's the only church in the bible belt that smells like a whisky still not a stained glass window anywhere in site,
just a blood-stained floor and neon lights,
and the communion wine in here is always chilled.
We're here every Sunday; we're livin' large;
We're the only church with a cover charge.
And if you don't like our doctrine and think we ain't devout,
we'll have our bouncer throw your butt out ...
of the First Baptist Bar and Grill
(amen sister!)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sister Joan By Paul Gilmartin
Sister Joan, age 54, ignores the desert sun,
The stranded church bus smoking, no sign of anyone.
Buzzards circle overhead, panic starts to set.
The kids are getting restless, her habit soaked with sweat.
The minutes become hours, she wobbles in the heat.
Then, a distant engine roars, approaching from the East.
She squints through horn-rimmed glasses, her pure heart skips a beat.
Snake McGinty's Harley Hog, parts the dusty heat.
Black leather-clad from head to toe, his eyelids barely open,
Sister Joan says, "Holy Ghost, please tell me that you're joking."
He parks his bike, stands six foot four, then gives her a nod.
Through leather pants his manhood shows, she rolls her eyes at God.
"Havin' trouble?", he barely mumbles. "Yes sir", she replies.
He pops the hood, takes off his shirt, she covers up her eyes.
"Kids", she says, "Back on the bus. Everyone be good."
Her fingers part, her eyes take in his reflection off the hood.
She grips her rosary tight with guilt and stares down at her socks.
Her mind protects her vows with God, but her body picks the lock.
He bends to check the fan belt, her nipples say, "Hello".
Her eyes climb up his leather chaps like a snail with vertigo.
She shuts her eyes and shakes her head, her legs start feeling funny.
"Lord", she says, "For work like this, I'm making shitty money."
He shuts the hood, "My name is Snake, I'm wanted in five states."
She said, "Snake you're my forbidden fruit, and I need a little taste."
The kids look on in disbelief. The kiss is slow, then faster.
Cheering rocks the school bus, till she says "Snake let's ditch these bastards.
As they left, the kids screamed "No", she turned around and waved.
Her next confession killed a priest and lasted seven days.
For years the scandal rocked the church, but she regained their trust.
She still teaches Sunday school, but she doesn't drive the bus.
The stranded church bus smoking, no sign of anyone.
Buzzards circle overhead, panic starts to set.
The kids are getting restless, her habit soaked with sweat.
The minutes become hours, she wobbles in the heat.
Then, a distant engine roars, approaching from the East.
She squints through horn-rimmed glasses, her pure heart skips a beat.
Snake McGinty's Harley Hog, parts the dusty heat.
Black leather-clad from head to toe, his eyelids barely open,
Sister Joan says, "Holy Ghost, please tell me that you're joking."
He parks his bike, stands six foot four, then gives her a nod.
Through leather pants his manhood shows, she rolls her eyes at God.
"Havin' trouble?", he barely mumbles. "Yes sir", she replies.
He pops the hood, takes off his shirt, she covers up her eyes.
"Kids", she says, "Back on the bus. Everyone be good."
Her fingers part, her eyes take in his reflection off the hood.
She grips her rosary tight with guilt and stares down at her socks.
Her mind protects her vows with God, but her body picks the lock.
He bends to check the fan belt, her nipples say, "Hello".
Her eyes climb up his leather chaps like a snail with vertigo.
She shuts her eyes and shakes her head, her legs start feeling funny.
"Lord", she says, "For work like this, I'm making shitty money."
He shuts the hood, "My name is Snake, I'm wanted in five states."
She said, "Snake you're my forbidden fruit, and I need a little taste."
The kids look on in disbelief. The kiss is slow, then faster.
Cheering rocks the school bus, till she says "Snake let's ditch these bastards.
As they left, the kids screamed "No", she turned around and waved.
Her next confession killed a priest and lasted seven days.
For years the scandal rocked the church, but she regained their trust.
She still teaches Sunday school, but she doesn't drive the bus.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Man Song - Bob & Tom In The Morning
Ladies and Gentle man the man song!
(He's the man, He's the man)
(Crew Laughs)
I don't take no crap from anyone else but you,
I wear the pants around here when im finished with your laundry,
Cause I'm a guy you don't wanna fight,
When I say jump you say, "Yeah Right!"
Im the man of this house until you get home
(He's the man, He's the man)
What I say goes around here right out the window,
And I don't want to hear alot of whining so I'll shut up,
The sooner you learn whos boss around here
The sooner you can give me my orders dear,
Cause I'm head huncho around here but its all in my heeeeaaaadddd!!
(He's the man, He's the man)
And I can have sex any time that you want,
Cause I'm a man who has needs but they're not that important,
And don't expect any flowers from me cause if im not mistaken you perfer jewlery,
I'm the king of my castle when your not around,
(He's the man, He's the man)
And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want to get in trouble,
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready, to sleep on the couch,
Cause a MAN's gotta do what a MAN's gotta do,
and I'm gonna do what you tell me to,
Because I'm top dog around here but I've been nutered!!
(He's the man, He's the man)
You da man!
(He's the man, He's the man)
(Crew Laughs)
I don't take no crap from anyone else but you,
I wear the pants around here when im finished with your laundry,
Cause I'm a guy you don't wanna fight,
When I say jump you say, "Yeah Right!"
Im the man of this house until you get home
(He's the man, He's the man)
What I say goes around here right out the window,
And I don't want to hear alot of whining so I'll shut up,
The sooner you learn whos boss around here
The sooner you can give me my orders dear,
Cause I'm head huncho around here but its all in my heeeeaaaadddd!!
(He's the man, He's the man)
And I can have sex any time that you want,
Cause I'm a man who has needs but they're not that important,
And don't expect any flowers from me cause if im not mistaken you perfer jewlery,
I'm the king of my castle when your not around,
(He's the man, He's the man)
And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want to get in trouble,
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready, to sleep on the couch,
Cause a MAN's gotta do what a MAN's gotta do,
and I'm gonna do what you tell me to,
Because I'm top dog around here but I've been nutered!!
(He's the man, He's the man)
You da man!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Dear Penthouse Lyrics - Tim Bedore
Dear Penthouse
Im a freshman at a Northwestern University
and I never thought something like this would happen to me
When my teacher with the dynamite ass,
asked me to stay after class, and she started to undress
I cant belive the statemenet she made.
"If you drop your pants I'll raise your grade.
Dear Penthouse
I never thought those letters were true untill
I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill
We had a little too much to drink
I couldnt belive what I was starting to think
So we headed to her tent
Theres nothing like eating out
although the next morning my breath still smelled like trout
Read every issue sence 1974
The first 2 years behind the bathroom door
I poured over every penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said Id go blind....
Dear Penthouse
Im a first class seaman at an overseas navel base
Its been ten long months sence ive seen a womans face
When I saw your recent issue
I took a box of Klennex tissue
and I locked the barraks door.
Thanks to you ive gotten a grip.
Please excuse my jerky penmenship !
Read every issue sence 1974
The first 2 years behind the bathroom door
I poured over every penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said Id go blind....
Im a freshman at a Northwestern University
and I never thought something like this would happen to me
When my teacher with the dynamite ass,
asked me to stay after class, and she started to undress
I cant belive the statemenet she made.
"If you drop your pants I'll raise your grade.
Dear Penthouse
I never thought those letters were true untill
I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill
We had a little too much to drink
I couldnt belive what I was starting to think
So we headed to her tent
Theres nothing like eating out
although the next morning my breath still smelled like trout
Read every issue sence 1974
The first 2 years behind the bathroom door
I poured over every penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said Id go blind....
Dear Penthouse
Im a first class seaman at an overseas navel base
Its been ten long months sence ive seen a womans face
When I saw your recent issue
I took a box of Klennex tissue
and I locked the barraks door.
Thanks to you ive gotten a grip.
Please excuse my jerky penmenship !
Read every issue sence 1974
The first 2 years behind the bathroom door
I poured over every penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said Id go blind....
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