A Little Rodney Carrington To Start The Holiday season off right

100 Things To Remember - By Tim Wilson

I had a crazy uncle that was on his deathbed a long time ago,
he said "BOY... there's a hundred things in life every man needs to know to
survive... and here's 39 of em'"

a virgin don't never drive a z-28
never bet the ranch on your prostate
if it's got an adams apple its probley a man
never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand

she didn't accidently get good in bed
you can't join a church if your already dead
a work uniform ain't totally nude
brim and bass ain't seafood

when theres guns in the house one better be yours
don't be naked next to any fishin' lures
if theres girl scout cookies she's a little too young
if you say I do... be the ugly one

don't ever let a bald man borry your comb
never play strip poker in a nursin' home
don't blame your pall bearers cuz they don't show
if your buried in the middle of the super bowl

let people borry money they'll leave you alone
never fry bacon without a shirt on
never spray water on a hornets nest
a woman rarely aces the drivers test

the sign probly don't really mean massage
never threaten anybody in camoflauge
say you love her til she lays down the butcher knife
never put the move on the bosses wife

she's messin' round on ya if yer briefs don't fit
never trust a hitch-hiker to babysit
Cosmo's never in a happy home
you can't cut a deal with a kidney stone

a politician ain't got an HMO
washin' her hair means she don't wanna go
don't ridicule a biker bout' his tatoo
you been married nine times... hell maybe its you

Doom ain't the same as donkey kong
if he's wearing high heels you mighta raised him wrong
the clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
don't rent a room from a man named Bates

a tank tops never on a billionaire
Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there
how many get to heaven noone knows
but hell will be asses and elbows

and then he died... crazy fool rolled over and DIED! and never did tell me
what them other 61 things were... so if anybody out there knows... how
bout gettin' ahold of me at tim wilson dot net.

First Baptist Bar and Grill by Tim Wilson (lyrics)

Well, the church burned down and no one knew
what Pentecost Baptist was gonna do
the Sunday brimstone got so dadgum hot
it burned up a church bus in the parkin' lot

In a panic the reverend Dr. White
called up an ex-member that hadn't lived right
he owned Joe's beer joint right across the fence
it's the same Joe's he'd preached against...

He said, "I don't really want to be a hypocrite,
but I got a Sunday school class about to have fits.
We're all excited about revival week,
and moved by the spirit, so to speak.

With all the souls we saved and money we spent,
we thought God told us to sell that tent...
I got a famous evangelist supposed to come
and done run out of chairs, will you loan us some?"

Joe says, "Well you can just use the whole dang place...
A-9 on the jukebox is "Amazing Grace"
I ain't supposed to open because of them 'blue laws'
but I'll open tonight if it's alright with y'all."

Preacher said, "Well, I reckon it'd be OK,
the good Lord works in mysterious ways.
I was gonna talk about Joshua, Judges and Ruth
and I reckon I could do it from the DJ booth."

At the First Baptist Bar and Grill
it's the only church in the bible belt
that smells like a whiskey still...
when the sinners finish one more round,
we'll have dinner on the ground,
then go inside and pray we don't get killed.

The evangelist came with a well-dressed choir,
they showed up around happy hour,
looked around the joint and didn't take it real well...
said, "The White ministry has gone to hell"

Ms. Mills that taught youth Sunday school
and two deacons in the back room shootin' pool
were sharin' the Lord with a Jim Beam rep
who was teachin' Ms. Mills some line dance steps...

Reverend White was readin' from the book of Luke
to a tall, drunk trucker about to puke
he had John 3:16 memorized
tryin' to dry him out to get him baptized...

The evangelist yelled about the lights and the beer
said, "White, you can't save any souls in here...
this place ain't nothin' but a den of sin...
ain't the kind of place Baptists ought to be in!"

Preacher said, "Well we don't really need y'all here
You didn't do a very good job last year,
you only saved one sinner, that's Todd McGuire,
the little SOB that set my church on fire!"

"Joe's beer joint has done been revived,
only been here an hour, and I done saved five.
Sure, it's got mirrors and a big dance floor,
but I finally found the flock God called me for."

They're at the First Baptist Bar and Grill
it's the only church in the bible belt that smells like a whisky still not a stained glass window anywhere in site,
just a blood-stained floor and neon lights,
and the communion wine in here is always chilled.

We're here every Sunday; we're livin' large;
We're the only church with a cover charge.
And if you don't like our doctrine and think we ain't devout,
we'll have our bouncer throw your butt out ...
of the First Baptist Bar and Grill

(amen sister!)